Four

Dear Hope,
Today is your FOURTH birthday! It was a great day celebrating you and all our wonderful memories of you. 

Your brother Logan is two years old. When I found out I was pregnant with him, I had one sad thought, that he would never know who you are. Little did I know, Logan is much smarter than I anticipated and absolutely does know who you are. It makes my heart smile when he looks at a picture of you and says "Baby Hope!". He even sang "Happy Birthday" to you tonight when we visited your grave. 

Your sister Macy turned 6 a couple of months ago. Her heart is so connected to you still. I sometimes wonder how she still remembers and loves you so when she was only 2 when you were born. She says she misses you quite often and even cries sometimes when she thinks about you. She loves you so much.

Your brother Taylor is 7 years old. He doesn't say much but I know he misses you and holds a special place in his heart just for you. He has been saying "I love you" to me and giving me lots of extra hugs the past few days. I know its because his heart is sensitive to mine and knows I need the extra lovin around this time of the year. 

Sometimes I let myself wonder what it would have been like if you had lived. What it would it be like to have you as a four year old. I can't even picture it since you were so tiny! My thoughts never get too far because I'm reminded that you were not meant for this earth. I think about all that you were spared and how much you lived in those short two weeks. I'm still beyond grateful for all that I have learned and gained since we first found out your diagnosis. I'm not the same person I used to be! God has shown me characteristics of Himself I never would have seen otherwise. I have learned to trust Him with my whole heart. I've learned to let go and not hold onto earthly things (I still have to be reminded of this though..). Your dad and I have been doing foster care for six months now. I still have a hard time every time one of them leaves us. You leaving us was so hard and every time one of these children leaves it opens my emotions to remember what that felt like. It's hard, very hard. God is so gracious though to sustain me. He gently reminds me that He will equip me and that He is so very faithful. He tells me to REMEMBER. Remember what He has done. Remember how HE has brought us through. Remember that He gets the glory through us pointing to Christ through life and through death. Remember.

I love you baby girl. I miss you. Happy fourth birthday sweet baby Hope.

Love, 
Your Mommy