Dear Hope,
Today is your FOURTH birthday! It was a great day celebrating you and all our wonderful memories of you.
Your brother Logan is two years old. When I found out I was pregnant with him, I had one sad thought, that he would never know who you are. Little did I know, Logan is much smarter than I anticipated and absolutely does know who you are. It makes my heart smile when he looks at a picture of you and says "Baby Hope!". He even sang "Happy Birthday" to you tonight when we visited your grave.
Your sister Macy turned 6 a couple of months ago. Her heart is so connected to you still. I sometimes wonder how she still remembers and loves you so when she was only 2 when you were born. She says she misses you quite often and even cries sometimes when she thinks about you. She loves you so much.
Your brother Taylor is 7 years old. He doesn't say much but I know he misses you and holds a special place in his heart just for you. He has been saying "I love you" to me and giving me lots of extra hugs the past few days. I know its because his heart is sensitive to mine and knows I need the extra lovin around this time of the year.
Sometimes I let myself wonder what it would have been like if you had lived. What it would it be like to have you as a four year old. I can't even picture it since you were so tiny! My thoughts never get too far because I'm reminded that you were not meant for this earth. I think about all that you were spared and how much you lived in those short two weeks. I'm still beyond grateful for all that I have learned and gained since we first found out your diagnosis. I'm not the same person I used to be! God has shown me characteristics of Himself I never would have seen otherwise. I have learned to trust Him with my whole heart. I've learned to let go and not hold onto earthly things (I still have to be reminded of this though..). Your dad and I have been doing foster care for six months now. I still have a hard time every time one of them leaves us. You leaving us was so hard and every time one of these children leaves it opens my emotions to remember what that felt like. It's hard, very hard. God is so gracious though to sustain me. He gently reminds me that He will equip me and that He is so very faithful. He tells me to REMEMBER. Remember what He has done. Remember how HE has brought us through. Remember that He gets the glory through us pointing to Christ through life and through death. Remember.
I love you baby girl. I miss you. Happy fourth birthday sweet baby Hope.
Love,
Your Mommy
"Why do bad things happen to good people?" I know we've all heard that question. It's a question that can even keep people from believing in God. But think about it... in reality, if we all look deep inside ourselves... not a single one of us is GOOD. At least not by God's holy standards. Sure, we might consider ourselves good compared to some around us. But we are not. The Bible says in Romans that "no one does good, not even one." Why am I thinking about this?? Because lately I've had to explain to people why it's ok that my family has gone through what some might consider HARD THINGS. Here it is though, I know who I am. I know I'm a sinner that looks "good" on the outside. I'm nice, I'm friendly but I sin. I do not deserve anything but what the true penalty of sin is... death. But GRACE. Amazing grace has covered all my sin. I now have a hope of a future place where there will be no sin, or pain or death. And I believe that in my very core. So yes, life is guaranteed to be hard but having a trust in God and BELIEVING He is who He says He is... we have HOPE and COMFORT.
Speaking of comfort.... I've needed it lately. :) And I have received it! I pray that others know the comfort that only God can give. It's the best! Seriously. There is nothing like it. Only He knows our thoughts and the true ache of our heart.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
How are we to comfort others if we ourselves have never experienced true comfort? God continues to grow our family through trials. Three weeks ago we were extremely excited to find out that I was pregnant with baby #5. That is such a joyful moment for me when the test says "pregnant"! A week later though I began to experience symptoms of a miscarriage. I'm still physically going through it but we have lost our baby.
Job 1:21 "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
God is comforting me so well. He's really good at it. And my family and friends are a comforting blessing as well.
The announcement
Are you surprised that this happened to me? Haven't I been through enough? Surely I've had more than my share. :) These thoughts have been through my head and others. But I am quick to say that God has NEVER said we will not go through hard time after hard time while we are here on this earth. He HAS said that He will never leave or forsake us.
Psalm 46:1 God is our REFUGE and STRENGTH, a very present help in trouble. Psalm 46:10-11 Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth! The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Yes, I am so sad and disappointed that I will not have this baby. I am not devastated or destroyed. I wholly trust God's sovereign plan for our family and He has proven to be faithful. So I can say with confidence that God is GOOD and I am not. I can praise Him and thank Him for trials knowing that they are refining me, teaching me, molding me, and growing me. And now.... I am able to comfort others who will go through this because God has comforted me.
Pray for us please as we continue to seek to glorify God though the way we live our lives.
