Weeks

I would have been 39 weeks pregnant today if Hope was still inside me. Hope would have been three weeks old if she was still with us. Instead, it has been one week since she passed away. It's been a long week and I really need to stop counting like this in my head.

I'm pretty tired emotionally but not too tired to continue to praise God. He sustains me and I am so grateful. It was wonderful to be at church again this morning and to worship with the body of Christ.

Thank you to all came to Hope's service. And to all of you who wanted to come but couldn't, thanks for the support. Again, God had His way and the service was perfect. Everything said by our dear pastor friend, John Crawford, seemed like it flowed straight from our hearts. Sweet Sara Osborne shared a beautiful promise found in Lamentations 3:21-24- This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him. Our kind friend Derek Dighton put hours into making a priceless video of our time with baby Hope. We have definitely used up all our favors for a long time! :) Our music pastor Bill Shiflett helped Josh and I record a song that we used during the video. The words were exactly what we felt in our hearts. Here are the lyrics: Joy Will Come by John Egan and Mia Fieldes

Joy will come in the morning
Riding on the wings of the dawn
I know
Joy will come after mourning
As surely as You are God

Joy will come believe
Joy will come joy will come

Joy will come like the harvest
Reaping for tears that we sow
I know
Joy will run to the farthest place
Surely as You are God

Joy will come believe
Joy will come joy will come

What is this hope I feel
It's helping
What is this peace beyond
Understanding
You fix the broken heart
There's healing in Your wings

What is this whisper small
I'm hearing
So far above it all
It's speaking
You're still the sovereign Lord
There's healing in Your wings

I am looking forward to things getting back to normal... whatever normal is! I know healing will take time but it helps knowing that God is still using her life to grow people's faith. I love hearing the stories about how God has used Hope's story to help people share with coworkers, neighbors or even unbelieving family members. The glory continues to go to God. :) Right now, one of the hardest parts for me is how quickly things will make me cry. I am so used to being steady, stable and emotionally consistent that it throws me for a loop when something like a onesie in the laundry, a song, silence, pictures or a memory will make me cry.

Josh is doing good. He is so strong and still tenderhearted. We have both sensed a stronger love for each other after going through this. Just another good thing that has come from this hard time! Taylor and Macy are incredible. They have just excepted the fact that Hope isn't here anymore. It's very simple to them. Baby Hope was here and now she's not. They understand she is a part of our family and we love her very much but that she wasn't able to stay with us. Macy talks about Hope on a daily basis still and I love that.

Hope Isabella Reasons from Derek on Vimeo.

August 14th, 2010

Hillsong- The Greatness of Our God
Give me grace to see beyond this moment here. To believe that there is nothing left to fear. That You alone are high above it all. For You my God are greater still.

And there is nothing that can ever separate us. There is nothing that can ever separate us from Your love. No life, no death, of this I am convinced. You my God are greater still.

Baby Hope passed away last night. It's so strange to not have her here. I miss her so much!

Most of Friday and all of Saturday I noticed that Hope wasn't waking up much. She was so tired and even when it was time to feed her, I couldn't get her to awaken enough to eat much. I tried to chalk it up to newborn stuff or a growth spurt but inside I knew this wasn't good. I picked her up just a little after 11pm to try to feed her another bottle. We cuddled a bit, then I noticed she wasn't breathing anymore. She never struggled, she just gradually stopped breathing. My heart broke instantly and is breaking now even as I write this. Josh and I both started crying immediately and we both knew she was gone. So hard to go through something like that but I want to tell you the most amazing part. God has walked with us through every single step and emotion from the very beginning. I had some fears in my head about what it might be like when and if she passed away but had never really voiced them. God knew. He took care of all the details. Taylor and Macy were asleep in bed and that was my biggest fear was that they would be there when Hope passed away. God knew. I was also scared that she would be in pain or struggle to breathe. She wasn't in pain and didn't struggle! God knew. :) How great is He? SO GREAT!

It was a long, rough night working through a flood of emotions. Major sadness, then a wave a gratefulness for the two weeks we had with her. Ups and downs all night long. I finally was able to sleep and when I woke up had an overwhelming sense of peace. The peace that passes understanding. Seriously, I have had more than my share of that amazing peace in my lifetime so far. I am soooo thankful for that. I woke up with a smile knowing that God's will and plan for Hope had been accomplished. She has touched more lives than we'll ever know. And I can't even begin to describe the way God used her in our own lives to grow our faith and stretch us to new levels with Him. To God be the glory for His great works. He is worthy of His glory!

I love baby Hope so much. The sense of loss is so deep but it is paralleled with so much joy for the time we had with her. Three hours turned into two weeks. Praise God! His love for us has been so evident over these past few months. He has shown us in so many ways including all the love and support showered on us by everyone. Please know that we are grateful!

A celebration of Hope's life will be held at Lenexa Baptist Church on Wed., Aug. 18th, 2010 at 11:00am.

My Sweet Mother-in-law

My mother-in-law, Marsha Reasons, is an incredible woman. She has 10 kids, 9 grandkids and two more on the way. Even so... she still has time for me! :) I can't express to you how much she has helped me since Hope was born. She helped me through my labor and was there to love on us and Hope while we stayed in the hospital. Marsha is so giving and selfless. She has been there for me and is a godly example for me. If anyone is wondering why I look so rested and feel so good, it's because she has been taking turns with me at night! Amazing right? I think she is. :)


Thank you Marsha, from the bottom of my heart. I'll never forget how much you've given me with this time we've had together! I love you.

Everyday Miracles

Can you believe Baby Hope is one week old now?! Time has flown since last Sunday at 6:45 am...
Sunday 8/1/10-

My alarm clock went off at 6:30am and Josh pushed snooze for me cause I wasn't quite ready to get up and get ready for church. I layed there thinking about what I needed to do that day, then I turned over and looked at the clock... 6:45... I needed to get up. I felt a pop and a gush of fluid came! Yuck. I jumped up and told Josh it was time to go as I ran to the bathtub to let the floodgates come. Man, all that fluid, it was so crazy. I had measured my tummy before I went to bed and it was 48 inches around. I measured again right before we went to the hospital and it measured 42 inches!! Instantly lost 6 inches. You can imagine the relief I already felt! Here is a picture of me right before leaving for the hospital-

We arrived at the hospital and I got checked in. I had the most wonderful nurse to start it all off. Her name is Leah, we were so grateful for her! She checked and I was already dilated to a 4. Yay! It was all really happening! Up until this point most of the feelings I'd had were of excitement. Just so excited to get to this point and to meet Baby Hope AND to see what God had in store for her and us. The only other feelings were somewhat sad because my best friend was out of town and not there to experience this with me. BUT I knew that this was God's timing and I had to get over that selfish part of me that wanted her to be there.

After that I was able to walk around and get my labor going. A little while later the contractions started coming good and strong. Finally, I crawled into bed to curl up and get through the last and worst part of the labor. Just because I was curled up in bed, don't get the impression that I was quiet and calm. haha, no I was a noisy laborer to put it lightly! :)
Baby Hope was born at 12:24pm after two pushes. Hallelujah! She didn't cry. They wrapped her up and gave her to me. I looked at her and then she opened her eyes and looked at me! I will NEVER forget that moment.

Hope breathed on her own from the very first breath. Breath given to her by our creator God. We hit the three hour mark... Hope live on. We fed her a bottle and at first she had a hard time figuring out how to swallow and breath at the same time. We had one scary moment when she stopped breathing and turned purple but she recovered quickly and began breathing again! Since then, she has been eating great!

We had so many friends and family come and share the first two days with us at the hospital. So encouraging to have so much support and love! Thank you to everyone who came to love on us and Baby Hope. And to everyone who brought me beautiful flowers and yummy treats. :)

We were so excited to be able to take Hope home with us. She has been eating consistently and sleeping great. 7 days... what a gift! It is all uncharted waters now. Hope wasn't expected to live this long. But she has and without any help from machines. We are in awe and completely astounded at all of this. We are still trusting God with her and know He still has a plan. I love that even though this isn't what we expected, that this has been His plan from the very beginning. I believe that God has been glorified through Hope's life. I also can't help but think that with all the many people praying for Baby Hope, that this has increased so many peoples faith, including mine.
The title "Everyday Miracles" refers to something very vivid that I have learned this week. Yes, I believe the time we have had with Hope has been a miracle but... it has opened my eyes to recognize the everyday miracles we overlook or just take for granted. Every single new life is a miracle and every breath given to us is too. Hope is a daily reminder of God's miraculous works. Take time to look around you and see God's everyday miracles around you. Let Hope be a reminder of how great our awesome God is!

God is Good

Baby Hope arrived today at 12:24 pm! She is cute as a button and so so strong. She weighed 5lbs. 1oz. and is 14 inches long. God has given us 10 hours with her already and she has been breathing and eating on her own the whole time. AMAZING! We have had a wonderful day today. So many wonderful friends have been here today and have been encouraging us and praying with us. There is so much more to update you on but we need some sleep! Gonna get some rest and will update more soon.

Ready for Hope

Ok ok... I know I haven't updated in a while and I AM SORRY! I have been meaning to but have just not gotten around to it. I am updating now because I just got home from my Dr's appointment. I wrote last time about how much extra fluid I have. Well at my last appointment (2 weeks ago) I was 32 1/2 weeks and measuring 36... NOW, ok this is sooo unreal, I am 34 1/2 weeks and measuring umm 44 weeks. Yep, that's not a typo!! 44 WEEKS! So glad it's not just in my head how big I am. :) I feel stretched to the limit and like someone is sitting on my stomach all the time. Pretty uncomfortable but as always, I'll be fine. So, basically no one expects me to make it until the end of Aug. Hope could be here at anytime! The unknown is so hard for me but it also grows my dependence on God and His plan. It's so out of my control and as hard as it is to say, it's better that way!

We are feeling ready and prepared (as much as possible). We still don't know what God has in store for us and for our sweet baby but we do know He is with us through it all. How can we not be ok knowing that? Last week Josh and I were able to take a day (thanks to Aunt Lydia for keeping the kids!) and get some preparations done. We met with a funeral home and got all the plans arranged for if Hope passes away. We keep saying we are making plans "just in case". It feels so good though to have a plan in place. That way the decisions won't have to be made later when we are exhausted physically and emotionally. God is so good and such a provider. Even walking through this tough journey, every step of the way has been paved for us. The support and love we receive on a DAILY basis from our friends, family and church family... is... the words just aren't coming to me. It's beyond what we could ever hope for or ask for. So encouraging, uplifting, inspiring and I believe God honoring. Thank you to everyone who takes the time pray for us and for those who take the time to write me little messages and notes. It's humbling to be on the receiving end of all this when I am so used to being the one on the giving end. This has opened my eyes though to what it means to be selfless. I see that example in so many of you!

I must be crazy posting a picture of me this huge but... here is what 44 weeks looks like on me!

32 Weeks

It was so good to see Baby Hope again last Friday during the sonogram. She has grown so much! Her diagnosis is even more evident now that she has gotten bigger. Her chest cavity and rib cage are so tiny compared to what is average. Her heart was taking up the majority of the chest space when it should have only been taking up 1/3. It's easier to see now how Hope might have trouble breathing once she comes out. Before, we believed the Dr's and the diagnosis but it was hard to see anything visibly wrong other then her little arms and legs. Her little head is so perfectly round though and she still has the cutest little cheeks and chin. We didn't get any good facial pictures this time around but some great hand and feet shots. :) God has formed her so wonderfully to His glory.

I do have quite a bit of excess amniotic fluid. I was almost sure I did before I even went in for the sonogram... and if you've seen me and my belly lately it's not hard to see why haha! My belly is HUGE and it sticks straight out in front of me. It's hard as a rock most of the time. It's definitely making it much tougher to get around and to pick up after two toddlers (and a husband). ;) With extra fluid there comes the risk of early labor. That combined with the contractions I have here and there and the Thanatophoric Dysplasia, I think Baby Hope is coming sooner than we think!